Cash for Codgers
by Ken Schoolland

Stranded on a remote Pacific Island after his boat was tossed about by a terrific storm, Jonathan Gullible wandered the land to learn more about the inhabitants and their customs.

At once, Jonathan was brushed aside by a man who was pushing a wheelchair through the portal of a grand edifice. “Make way, please. Thank you,” said the man with an apologetic nod.

Jonathan tried to pass, but found his way blocked by a long line of elderly folk in wheelchairs coming up the road, each being pushed by an attendant. Another wheelchair passed, then another in close succession. After a dozen wheelchairs slowed in front of him, Jonathan inquired of a woman attendant who was pushing the next in line. “What happened?” he asked. “Are these victims of some disaster?”

“Sure enough,” replied the woman, wiping her brow and stepping out of line with her wheelchair to explain. “Worst economic disaster in memory.”

Jonathan responded, “A train wreck or something like that?”

“Worse,” the woman replied. “Debts mounted. People stopped buying. Jobs were lost. Never seen anything like it.”

“What’s being done?” asked Jonathan.

“Gotta stimulate the economy. Gotta spend money, hire more people, modernize…all that sort of thing,” she said.

“How will that help these folk?”

Lowering her voice she whispered into Jonathan’s ear, “It’s official now—a new program. ‘Cash for Codgers.’ Gotta sacrifice. It’s all for the best.”

“Cash for Codgers?” repeated Jonathan, shrugging with incomprehension.

“You haven’t heard?” said the woman. Turning her patient to face the wall, she pulled Jonathan out of earshot of the old man in the wheelchair. “The Council of Lords has set up a fund to replace rundown old models with more economical new models.”

Jonathan was puzzled. “Does this mean that old wheelchairs are being replaced by new wheelchairs?”

“No, no, a much bolder initiative,” replied the woman. Barely speaking above a whisper, she explained, “The elderly are being replaced by newborns.”

Jonathan’s eyes widened in shock. The woman patted his arm reassuringly. “Don’t fret! It’s been worked out by the best actuaries. This year the Council has offered cash payments to families for bringing in their elderly and buying brand new infants here at the hospital.”

“What!” exclaimed Jonathan, aghast.

“That’s right,” said the woman. Calculating for Jonathan, she continued, “You see, the elderly live an average of twenty-two years after retirement, increasingly dependent on society for medical care, pensions, and so forth. Whereas infants spend an average of only eighteen years, decreasingly dependent on society for medical care, training, and other needs. After that the new models are hearty young producers, able to pay taxes for a another 50 years!”

Jonathan tried to interject, but she continued unabated. “In addition, we create jobs by hiring the unemployed to make babies. The line of job applicants reaches around the corner and up the street. By all measures, this program is a great success!”

“What happens to the elderly?” blurted Jonathan.

“Well,” said the woman plainly, “old models are discontinued. Someone has to sacrifice for the good of the economy, don’t ya know. It’s for the greater good. Official ‘discontinuance certificates’ are required to qualify for the cash payments, of course. And this, too, has created jobs in the Bureau of Good Will by issuing forms, collecting tax revenues and, ahem, everything else.”

“Don’t people object when asked to pay for this?” probed Jonathan.

The woman chuckled, “Oh, we don’t ask people…this is an emergency! Can’t afford the luxury of choice during an emergency!” She added eagerly, “Oh, and think of the environmental benefits…the reduction of excess methane gas.”

The old man in the wheelchair looked up and whimpered in a frail, shaky voice, “I’m feeling pretty good today.”

“Sure you are,” said the woman soothingly. Turning the man’s wheelchair to rejoin the others in line, she comforted him gently, “We’ll review your case and soon you’ll have nothing more to worry about. You’re in good hands with the Bureau of Good Will. Trust me.”

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Ken Schoolland is author of The Adventures of Jonathan Gullible: A Free Market Odyssey, http://www.jonathangullible.com/ For more, read the book on HawaiiReporter.com